Can die out of exhaustion! real soon! (-___-)

Tired. The only word to describe everything. Emotionally and physically. The whole daily routine and all are tiring! gosh!

Post natal blues hits back:(

Most probably due to insufficient rest and sleep, pain in the wound, helpless, jayr's jealousy tantrum, chace's attention demands, low self esteem, no socialise, no time off, no body to understand me! And i am feeling utterly guilty towards my sons!

I flared. I yelled. And i really feel sorry towards Jayr darling. But sometimes, or most of the time, he really did it on purpose to challenge me! I know he's jealous. i know he want my attention too. But always not on the right timing! Like when im feeding Chace or coaxing him to sleep. Den when Jayr start crying or screaming or throwing things, Chace woke up and cry again! wa lau! If Chace never sleep, den how would i have to chance to attend Jayr right? Den if Jayr dun shut up, how would Chace be able to sleep right?!

You tell me la, HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

And so what i have tried to explain to Jayr again and again. He just wont listen and behave! Only when i yelled, den he will shut up and leave me alone. But i dun like to do this to him!!! I hate myself. I AM NOT A GOOD MOTHER! I AM FUCKING TERRIBLE!

So what i have kissed him and told him im sorry afterwards. Cant undo what i have done to him right?! I believe he wont forget that i yelled at him or hit him.

As for Chace, i always never spent enough time with him. I dun have the chance to talk to him or have a good look at him. Unless Jayr goes to bed, and happen that Chace is awake den i will have the chance. Otherwise the jealousy brother will throw his tantrum again. argh! what's worst is i cant sing to Chace! To Jayr, maybe he thinks that those lullaby that i sing to him, are all his. So if i sing to Chace, he will be even more upset compared to i kiss Chace. Funny right?

I never showed enough love to Chace. I never do enough as his mother. I AM SO FUCKED UP!!!!

I wish that there is a childcare nearby that has this flexi hour thing, so that at least i can send jayr there for short hours daily. And den i will have time for more things, and of cuz, Chace. But dun have! All said they only do full day care. Fuck them. Not all mothers are so heartless to dump their kids there from 7am to 7pm la! why so not flexible one! fucked up.

Hubby's birthday. My men.

My favourite pic. And few on FB commented on this, and few likes this :D
Like father like son.
My little precious :)

Ok. im still losing weight. but im still consider fat. But if wanna compare, i should say this time i slim down faster :)

Im so in love with bubble tea. Almost everyday have one cup. Impossible to slim down any faster den this. LOL.

I hope one day i can finally gain back confidence and post tons of photos of myself here!

BYE.

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