Sunday, and finally im not alone on weekends :)
Both Hubby and Jayr went market to buy breakfast. Im at home with Chace. So hungry lor. Like my mood is better now. I have huge appetite! Always feeling hungry and eat non stop. Siao liao, wont be able to slim down :( But hubby said better to eat more and gain back all the nutrients i've lost and get back in fit health first. Slimming can wait. True. I need a healthy body to handle 2 monkeys right? LOL.
Jayr can be very temperamental at times. I dunno whether i can make it anot. Like Hubby will be going back to work next in another week time. How am i going to handle 2? I only scare that Jayr wan me to carry and all. I cant lo. I cant lift heavy things for 2 months. My movements are restricted lor.
Somehow salute myself for being so brave to come so far. Salute myself for putting away so much and willing to face all these. Salute myself for all the almost-dead-situation i have been thru. Salute myself for many many more things. Most importantly, 我問心無愧。In many years time, when i look back, i know i have done my best and let no one down. I know i dun have to feel guilty for anything. I know its good to rather suffer now den to regret and feeling guilty for the rest of my life till i die!
Guiltiness can kill. Can make one depress and even wanna punish oneself to feel better. I wont even kill an ant, let alone want me to kill my own flesh and blood. I cant. Even if i didnt marry Hubby, i will still give birth to Jayr. really. Like now, i would rather we remain in a relationship, not married, but can still be parents to our kids. You know, marriage is not a secure thing. Its kind of a threat, a burden and a responsibility. If one party is not up to it, den the whole wont work out. But that doesn't mean you have to involve your kid in this whole decision. Like some say to try for a baby to improve the marriage. NO! You will just make thing worst by adding another person another factor to consider. Same thing, when you're deciding whether to tie knot with that person, you dun involve an innocent live. Just ask yourself. At the very end, you are the one who decide on it. Who say woman needs a man to survive. Who say we need them to raise a kid. Actually, to be frank, very few men cares a shit bt raising a child and all. They just dump everything to we women.
I hereby wanna thank Hubby for all the efforts and everything. He does all the house chores, looking after Jayr, and take over Chace at night. He's like 24/7 on standby for us. All i do is to call for him and he will be there for me. I feel bad to see him tired like slave. I feel bad that i cant help much. I feel bad for feeling angry when Jayr was nasty. But hubby was totally calm and handled everything himself. He will bring Jayr down for a stroll just to give me some peace and cool off time. He woke up numerous times at night to fix milk and change diapers. Pour me drink and fed me medicine. Remind and nag me to wear more. Im really kind of lucky to have him. Even though we have been thru alot of unpleasant moments. But those were the past. He's changing to a better person day by day. A total man now. A man that remain calm and cool, independent, reliable, and trust worthy. I find that i can trust him more and more now. I find that i am getting more and more rely on him. Whatever it is, he definitely stand a great important place in my life. I dun think i can find another man that willing to do the things he does, the far stretch that he could go. I dun think so lor. The kind of frequency and telepathy we shared. The kind of bond. He's like a super Mr Pacifier. To me and kids. haha. shhhh........ I find that our love is growing stronger and stronger. hee :p I love you. I know you're reading this :p
Jacky's Wife