As the day drew nearer, my mood seems to become more duller. I have no mood for anything at all. Except that i hug Jayr the whole day. Carry him, kiss him, smell him, talk to him, play with him, make him laugh out loud, take pictures of him, watch him as he do his things....... Never a moment i wanna part with him. It really hurts to even think of parting with him for days. So what i can still see him, but i cant carry him or cuddle him for month!
Another thing is, im scared. So scared of the procedure that i have to go thru all over again. Knowing whats gonna happen and all, doesn't make me wanna have another baby at all. I dunno if there will be no.3. But i am sure this aint gonna happen within the next 5 long years! I mean it.
Went googled bt contraceptive methods. There are various. But the most painless and cheapest and safest is definitely using condoms. Taking pills aint good for health and all. Patch and injections has lots of side effects. IUD or mirena are best recommended for ppl who have given birth naturally before and the procedure kinda freak me out. They will dilate the cervix den insert the thing in. It can be very uncomfortable or even painful. For me, definitely painful la! I have problem getting dilated even by medication. I bleed, even when doctor do a check on me. So looks like i only left with one option, which is.... you know what. If i can do this decision all by myself, i would surely opt for ligament! Permanently close down factory!
Thought life's gonna be better ever since im freed. But not really. New thing, new stress. New problems. I always have to come so low in life and den struggle to climb higher a little. For who? For what? I dunno. Definitely never for myself. I have long lost myself to faith. I dunno what's there to believe and to look forward to. I dunno what the hell am i clinging onto. All i wan in life is happiness. Such a simple and common word, but a indefinite description it has. Depending on one's desire towards life.
I've talked to Jayr. Hugged him from behind and talked to him softly. Telling him how much i will miss him. Told him to drink his milk and sleep well at night. Den come in the morning to visit mummy and go back at night must behave good and well. Told him i will be home soon to hug him and play with him. Told him that i love him the most and he's my big big biggest love that no one can replace. Told him no matter what, i will always love him, sayang him and that he is my guai guai bao bei.
Den i turned him around, wanted to kiss him... I saw tears in his eyes. He was about to cry. Like as if knowing that im gonna be away for days. and den come home with new son. hai. my heart instantly felt the sourness and really regretted and guilty for this to happen. i felt so useless.
If only i could turn back time... I sure go for ligament and never wan another child other den Jayr alone. really.
Anyway, i still have set my mind on name.
Zaan, Chace, or .... what?
You ppl tell me.
Lets continue counting.......
3!
p/s: 我的好，你式乎都看不見。。。我的痛，你式乎都不想理。。。
風凉話听多了也會氣。
無理的借口我也不笨到會信。。。
我默不出声不代表我無知。
不懂得珍惜這一切的一切，吃虧的是自己。
話說完了。。。我累了。。。不“玩”了。
Jacky's Wife