But this time round he mended his own blogskin. Smart hor. LOL.

Went polyclinic this morning for the infant check up. Ok la, they give priority to newborns, so everything went on well and fast. Den went supermarket to buy some stuffs and bought mcdonald's happy meal for Jayr.

Tedious can! Like i know i shouldn't walk that much. Den ended up i really in great pain half way thru. Walked really slow... slower den a snail, i guessed. hur hur.

Luckily we have this double stroller. Both on pram and Hubby handled it. I just need to walk slowly on my own. Dun need to carry Chace.

I didn't buy enough swaddle for wrapping up Chace. Weather is cold and the wind is chilling. I always have to wash this pathetic piece of cloth and make sure it dry fast. argh. Maybe i will go get it on Thurs.

Confinement food is superb. I really think the 1k+ is really worth the price. Food is yummy and portion is enough for 2! No regrets.

My nanny will be coming on Sunday. So happy. Wanted to go visit her but always couldn't make it. Especially when i was expecting and have to bring along Jayr. Impossible la! So she's coming to visit me and bring me some home cooked confinement food too!! Im so lucky to have some nice ppl in my life. Im glad. Thou i have more nasty shits in life..... But these nice ppl somehow make it better and better :)

If you're wondering, those shit ppl, evil ppl, knn ppl, they dunno that i have delivered.

I mean as for what i know la. As for what i have planned. I hope no one breathe a word.

I dun wan them to know. I dun wan them to come. I dun wan them to have any chance to act. I dun wan them to have any words to say. I dun wan them to blame me for this and that and claim credits for their fucked up shits. oh, and i dun wan any to come and see whether is there anything goodies to pack home! hur hur.

They can be real shameless when come to grabbing free things! But kept as quiet and dumb when you wan them to give things! ccb.

Wanna play shits with me, den follow my rules!

I wont allow anyone to harm me anymore.

I wont allow anyone to do the same shits to my family too.

You know, sometimes these ppl can be real disappointment especially knowing that they shld be the one being supportive instead of being CB!

如果你也听说...
4:29 PM

Both Hubby and Jayr went market to buy breakfast. Im at home with Chace. So hungry lor. Like my mood is better now. I have huge appetite! Always feeling hungry and eat non stop. Siao liao, wont be able to slim down :( But hubby said better to eat more and gain back all the nutrients i've lost and get back in fit health first. Slimming can wait. True. I need a healthy body to handle 2 monkeys right? LOL.

Jayr can be very temperamental at times. I dunno whether i can make it anot. Like Hubby will be going back to work next in another week time. How am i going to handle 2? I only scare that Jayr wan me to carry and all. I cant lo. I cant lift heavy things for 2 months. My movements are restricted lor.

Somehow salute myself for being so brave to come so far. Salute myself for putting away so much and willing to face all these. Salute myself for all the almost-dead-situation i have been thru. Salute myself for many many more things. Most importantly, 我問心無愧。In many years time, when i look back, i know i have done my best and let no one down. I know i dun have to feel guilty for anything. I know its good to rather suffer now den to regret and feeling guilty for the rest of my life till i die!

Guiltiness can kill. Can make one depress and even wanna punish oneself to feel better. I wont even kill an ant, let alone want me to kill my own flesh and blood. I cant. Even if i didnt marry Hubby, i will still give birth to Jayr. really. Like now, i would rather we remain in a relationship, not married, but can still be parents to our kids. You know, marriage is not a secure thing. Its kind of a threat, a burden and a responsibility. If one party is not up to it, den the whole wont work out. But that doesn't mean you have to involve your kid in this whole decision. Like some say to try for a baby to improve the marriage. NO! You will just make thing worst by adding another person another factor to consider. Same thing, when you're deciding whether to tie knot with that person, you dun involve an innocent live. Just ask yourself. At the very end, you are the one who decide on it. Who say woman needs a man to survive. Who say we need them to raise a kid. Actually, to be frank, very few men cares a shit bt raising a child and all. They just dump everything to we women.

如果你也听说...
7:59 AM

Im back home yesterday noon but not in the fit situation to sit up long to use lappy. Im still in great pain thou. This time round is so much more dramatic den the previous one. Hai.... why my life like that? Always have to face such great challenge.

I bleed non stop and they ended up have to burn my wound to make it close. Maybe that explains why i am still very pain! I cant walk very well yet. And den my determine body rejected the drugs very fast. Like the min im out of the theatre, i felt the great huge pain! I told the anaesthetist, he said its like that. kns. Den i really couldn't take it and started crying non stop during the recovery ward. The nurse was panic. She called the doctor and they came to inject Morphine in me. Said that, Morphine is a very strong drug that can numb the pain for up to 2 hrs, but within half an hr, i started crying again. So they have no choice but to give me some more. And den again...... And den.......... Until they dared not give anymore cuz its harmful and can cause danger to life. Like how MJ dies. They gave me something to make me sleep and den i dunno what happened.

Transfered from there to observation ward. Something like ICU but not. To make monitor my heartbeat, blood pressure and the bleeding too. And den the next morning to the normal ward. I was being bedridden for 3 whole days. My butts now got rashes lor! I just started walking and den doctor said i can go home already! I didnt argue la, cuz who doesn't wanna go home right. lol. So serve me right for feeling pain now.

Jayr was soooooo jealous the first few days. I didnt want to be there. Dun wan hubby to carry Chace. Kept throwing tantrum. But now that we are home, maybe he know that we are family and Chace is also part of us, so now he can accept already. Like he want to give him his pacifier, pillow and all. Keep touching him and smell him. So sweet.

Hubby was the poor thing. He rushed here and there everyday. With Jayr. Handled his tantrum and all. Didnt sleep well cuz Jayr woke up to find me. Didnt eat well, cuz Jayr doesn't wan to eat too. Like now im home, he nap, drink milk, eat, sleep.... no problem! LOL. Den he said, this house cant do without me. hahahahahaha. see? Men always think its so easy and free to be a housewife. Let them handle for few days, and they start to surrender already.

But anyway, thanks hubby so much for everything. Im so glad that i have such husband who does everything all by himself without whining much.

Ok. Like next week, whoever wanna visit do sms me. After that hubby go back to work liao, and i dun think i can handle 2 kids plus visitors. So next week ok?? If really cannot den you have to compromise with his off days liao.

Let me rest for few more days. At least i can walk better :)

will upload pics on FB soon.... :D

如果你也听说...
6:55 AM

I purposely requested to have a talk with the anaesthetist. Told him that what i have went thru the previous time have caused me phobia somehow. Den he explained to me that the other time was emergency and they have to take out the baby within 10 mins time, but the drug needs at least 15 mins to take effect. That was why i felt such huge pain and fuss during the emergency operation.

He assured me that this time would be different. Different drug will be used on me instead of epidural. I requested not to stay awake during the operation and he also said ok. He said this time i will have better preparation and choice. As in, i can negotiate with the doctor what i want. When its emergency, you cant expect much. They have to rush everything within 10 mins.

So now, at least i have better feeling for kkh :)

Went shopping awhile. Bought 2 new tops for Jayr from Jeep. And den went to choose Thomas train for him while hubby tried to bring him away and distract him. I will bring that train to hospital and den give it to Jayr when he see me and Chace. I want him to know that even if there is new member, i will still dote on him as much. Anyway, this is his first Thomas train. I usually bought him various cars.

Bought 2 new tops from Levi's for Hubby too. I always wanted to give him something to reward him. 2 polo tees for him and he was happy. He wore one today already. So nice. Oh, i also bought a box of briefs for him too. haha.

As for myself, i bought many new pieces of panties. Larger size den before cuz after c sect i can only wear loose loose kind. Make ups! I have 2 way cakes, mascara, eye liner, and others... wahaha. happy! New facial foam too. Clothes and shoes will have to wait. Cuz have to wait till i slim down and my feet less bloated.

If you ask me what i want..... hehehehehe....

Slimming cream. Anti cellulite cream. More make ups. Clothes and shoes. erm... too greedy right? LOL! Chicken essence is good enough la. haha.

Anyway, girlies, I am going for labour tomorrow! Hospital doesn't allow more den 2 visitors. And hubby and Jayr already make up to 2. So, maybe 1 week later can arrange to come my place??? Hopefully you can arrange among yourself. If not, can come alone too. Anything you prefer. Go FB or msn, i will leave you msg/contact no. If i missed you out, den pls tag me.

Last countdown!

I am fucking scared!

如果你也听说...
9:54 PM

I will finish my tub of ice cream within this last 2 days.

I have nothing to blog about.

Still counting on........

p/s: i am fucking nervous. Fucking scared.

p/p/s: Jayr's lil brother will be named as Chace Quek :D

p/p/p/s: anyone can help to look after Jayr for me for few hours? plsss......

如果你也听说...
7:39 PM

Another thing is, im scared. So scared of the procedure that i have to go thru all over again. Knowing whats gonna happen and all, doesn't make me wanna have another baby at all. I dunno if there will be no.3. But i am sure this aint gonna happen within the next 5 long years! I mean it.

Went googled bt contraceptive methods. There are various. But the most painless and cheapest and safest is definitely using condoms. Taking pills aint good for health and all. Patch and injections has lots of side effects. IUD or mirena are best recommended for ppl who have given birth naturally before and the procedure kinda freak me out. They will dilate the cervix den insert the thing in. It can be very uncomfortable or even painful. For me, definitely painful la! I have problem getting dilated even by medication. I bleed, even when doctor do a check on me. So looks like i only left with one option, which is.... you know what. If i can do this decision all by myself, i would surely opt for ligament! Permanently close down factory!

Thought life's gonna be better ever since im freed. But not really. New thing, new stress. New problems. I always have to come so low in life and den struggle to climb higher a little. For who? For what? I dunno. Definitely never for myself. I have long lost myself to faith. I dunno what's there to believe and to look forward to. I dunno what the hell am i clinging onto. All i wan in life is happiness. Such a simple and common word, but a indefinite description it has. Depending on one's desire towards life.

I've talked to Jayr. Hugged him from behind and talked to him softly. Telling him how much i will miss him. Told him to drink his milk and sleep well at night. Den come in the morning to visit mummy and go back at night must behave good and well. Told him i will be home soon to hug him and play with him. Told him that i love him the most and he's my big big biggest love that no one can replace. Told him no matter what, i will always love him, sayang him and that he is my guai guai bao bei.

Den i turned him around, wanted to kiss him... I saw tears in his eyes. He was about to cry. Like as if knowing that im gonna be away for days. and den come home with new son. hai. my heart instantly felt the sourness and really regretted and guilty for this to happen. i felt so useless.

If only i could turn back time... I sure go for ligament and never wan another child other den Jayr alone. really.

Anyway, i still have set my mind on name.

Zaan, Chace, or .... what?

You ppl tell me.

Lets continue counting.......

p/s: 我的好，你式乎都看不見。。。我的痛，你式乎都不想理。。。

如果你也听说...
8:53 PM

I will be back to do proper post soon ok.

But first of all i must do the countdown... which is way more important den anything else!

Lets do it!

5th!

4th!

p/s: Jayr having bad cough and heavy phlemge. Despite this, now he's dancing to the songs! *roll eyes*

如果你也听说...
5:08 PM

Im not in the good mood now to blog much. fucking mad. cant even think straight now. Told myself many times not to treat anyone too good, in the end all i got is more shits! so whats the point to waste my effort. knn. rather treat stray cats, birds, dogs good.

I am always being taken for granted. ALWAYS!

My kindness never being appreciated at all. NEVER!

No one is thankful for any of my sacrifices. NOONE!

I have to make this clear in my mind that never ever again to treat anyone so good!

whatever.

Continue with 2 days countdown.......

p/s: i wanna scream out loudly, "FUCK YOU!"

如果你也听说...
9:17 PM

Today's hubby's off day. Stayed at home and do our last pack up. I have finally pack my maternity bag. hur hur. Now that i have experience, thus, bag smaller and things lesser. haha. not as kiasu as before.

Left with another week to go. Im soooooo scared!!!

ok nothing to blog about.

Lets do the countdown now....

p/s: hubby added J and I on fb because he needs more friends in order to allow to expand his cafe. hahahahaha! so girls, approve for the sake of cafe world ok?! LOL.

如果你也听说...
9:38 PM

Came late to do this post cuz i was busy with Jayr the whole day. Dunno why, full of nonsense today. Now he finally sleep den i can sit down and rest my butt in silent peace. phew~

Washed the sofa cushions covers, Jayr's mattress cover and all... Tomorrow will wash mine and the curtains too. Wow. Tired to the max. So much things to do when you have a house. I have to make sure everything is clean and neat before i head for the next battle. See? Aint easy to be housewife. Dunno why some women/girls out there dying to be one. *roll eyes*

Best is to stay out and work and socialise! Rather den rotting and suffering at home.

You know what?

I AM IN MOTHER-FUCKING-PAIN NOW!!!!!

So pain that i groan and clinged on tightly to my PJs.

Dunno what is this about...

Contraction or just another false one..................?

I loathe the last trimester of pregnancy bcuz like this lor!

Whenever in pain, all i can do is to wait and see and observe. Like so helpless like that. argh.

Anyway, lets continue with the countdown...

p/s: still haven found a nicer name.

如果你也听说...
7:29 PM

Me : "why? what happened at work again? why face black black....."

Hubby : "nothing....... "

Den he paused for a minute or so den continued...

Hubby : "I was thinking and wanting to go in delivery ward and operation theatre with you. But bb leh? He cant go in ma. If im not with you, you will be more scared right? That time saw you cried and screamed in pain, i heartpain ma. This time you sure you can go thru this all alone meh?"

Me : "no choice wat. I know im scared, but wat about bb. you have to be there for him and explain to him. for the sake of this, i have to force myself to be brave lor. i wan you there too, but...... you really wanna go in ah?"

Hubby : "hai................. see how first la. see what the doc say... "

Didn't know Hubby will though of this. So touched. At least i know he cares alot and wanted to be there for me and "Zaan" too. The thought counts. Im contented. Even if he cant make it, i dun mind at all. Cuz i know he will be worried and thinking bt me when im in there.

Any kind soul wanna go there with me so that you can help to look after Jayr for awhile, while hubby come in operation theatre with me? hehehhehe. really appreciate if you can :)

Anyway, been thru alot with hubby and we have come so far..... Dunno why, when we have Jayr, i still feel no sense of security in this marriage. But now, after we got our house, and everything, and 2nd child soon, i felt totally different. Like we are more secure, more firm and more like we are one. Like we are really a whole family. LOL. Not like those young parents with a kid, dunno what to do that kind... haha.

The only thing im afraid now is post natal blues. I know i will have to face it again. I know...... Not to worry, now that i know, i will try to think positively and try to be happy. especially i have my own house ya! hee.

Bye.

gonna mash my potatoes now :D

如果你也听说...
3:20 PM

I couldn't sleep well last night... cuz im anticipating something. Somthing so so so important that i am hoping that time could pass faster!

Which is....

Everyone! If you are feeling excited for us too... Den shall we do the final countdown together?! Let how we used to do it when we were anticipating for the arrival of Jayr!

Now that finally its another day. I can start the countdown with....

Yea. 10 more days to thee day~~~!!!

how should i be feeling???

Nervous. Excited. Impatience. Happy. Scared. Confused.

LOL!

Till the day, and you will know. *wink wink*

如果你也听说...
9:33 AM

老娘 today good mood and so i finally upload pics here!

Like they are not even in FB (^-^)

Very 難得 right???

Anyway only 5 random ones... teehee!

Better den nothing thou. Stop complaining you kpos!

If not for kpos, i wont be so secretive here and there.

Blame yourself for cant curbing the urge to spread my news or gossip abt me...

These cookies, hubby baked for me:)

Choc chips and Pecan nuts. Very nice! Like Subway's cookies. really! no shit man. see that little hand and that tiny blue hand? Ya. Jayr was like touching the cookies and den he loathe the "sandy" feeling he got from the crumbs so he decided to ask his buddy to take for him instead. LOL. He's always full of funny ideas and behavior. hur hur.

Little Boss busy with his calls.

有样學样 *roll eyes*

I am going for labour very soon. And i know i will miss my precious Jayr so much so that i will surely suffer post natal blues. These few days i have been snapping his photos so much that i make sure enough to last till the day i discharge. how i wish i can afford A ward, so that they can stay with me there... boohoo! A ward costs like almost 10k for c-sect lor! siao. and no subsidy for A ward.

Anyway, we have just book the bed. Like finally...

B2+ this time.... I dun wan C class again. Like C class totally no privacy or too noisy. B2+ at least got toilet in the room and air con too. Quiet and slightly peaceful. Actually i considered this for Jayr too. If he's gonna be there whole day with us, den air con is very important. He can be very nasty when he's feeling hot.

Anything above, like A and B1, both no subsidy. So better dun waste the chance to "tok" government :)

Have been vexing over the naming part. Even thou Zaan is somehow ok, but den i realised some dumb parents named their DAUGHTER Zan, Zandy, Zanny, Zannie, Zanne........ knn. Like there's feminine names for girls and why the hell must they used male's name for girls?! And make this a unisex name now. knn. I dun wan my baby to face the insult just because of these dumb ppl out there.

hello! Manly name for boys and feminine name for girls!!! SO difficult meh?! dumbass.

Thats why im so moody lately because i only left with 2 weeks!

SO PLS! I need help!

Give me ideas!

Hubby another one. This cannot that cannot. Den what the hell he wan?! In the end chose those lousy names for me. *roll eyes*

Maybe this time i gotta be firm and tell him that i decide!!!

Since he likes to push all to me. Den let me decide!!!!!!!!

Ok enough rants.

Im gonna haunt everyone with my picture at the end of this post.

TAH!!!!!!!!

My complexion consider much better den ever. hehehe.

(lets not mention the eye bags and dark rings lah. be a parent and you will know its inevitable!)

Because no harmful make ups or any misused of products.

Natural is still the best.

Most importantly is to make sure your face is very clean before you sleeps.

bye bye!

如果你也听说...
9:09 AM