Like you know, nuffnang have this function that allows you to check your daily hits and referral and all these. I have since realised that my hits has went down since dunno when . Cuz i used to monitor my bloggy and hits, thus i know. I think the main reason is that i have went MIA for some time bah. Right? Like ppl might think im not going to blog anymore like that, so they might as well dun bother to check anymore. sad. And den blame it that i seldom update too. so whats there to see right? okok la. From now on, i promise i will update more often la. hehehe.

There was once, when everything's done and all, i sat on the sofa alone, thinking bout my past, things i have been thru, people that crosses my path, what i have been missing and still not having or whatever.

At age 10, my dad fell ill and since den, life have been very tough for us. He went for kidney transplant at China- Guang Zhuo. Went there for about nearly 6 months. Cuz no kidney available but they still have to wait there in case, last min there is, and den he will get to have it. Otherwise the hospital might give the chance to others. He left me with my nanny, as we really have no one to rely on. Relatives has their own family and kids were still very young thou. I cried whenever i talked to him on phone. Soon, he came back, but very weak ever since. After we shifted back to our house, i became the one who handles everything, every task. I have to learn to cook, wash, run errand and all. I have to force myself to be independent and brave.

Everyday i have to cook nutritious meals. Learnt it from nutritionists and books.

I have to clear his potty. ( He was too weak or lazy to even go toilet towards the end.)

I have to run errand for him even when im running high fever.

I have to endure his beatings and insults, even though i was in no wrong at all.

I have to endure his unreasonable tantrum and accusations.

I have to inject for him and prepare all the medicines and wash his wound.

I cant do this and that.

I cant see my mum. Even if i did, i will be questioned and lectured like a criminal.

Almost everyday i have to go thru argument, beatings, accusation, blablabla.

This went on for 7 whole years, until he passed on.

Many told me this is a good thing, as in his misery has ended and i finally break free.

Is that really what they think?

I used to think so too, but den that wasn't the case.

I came to realise that i lose him is equivalent to losing a strong pillar to lean on. Even though he couldn't do much, but knowing that he's there for me, actually helps me to brave thru anything. And when you have a dad, no one dares to even despise you. When you doesn't have one, even doing nothing wrong, i still have to endure unreasonable tell-tale stories bt me, people coming after me for things. Like them - mother and brother.

I thought from then on i can lead a peaceful life - Only me and my world.

But NO.

My mum and brother came. The minute my dad been sent into ICU, she was like demanding for his passport photo, saying that she wanna go develope it into A4 now. I was like, "for what! he's still alive and nothing's gonna happen!". But den she yelled back and said i dunno anything.

See? How heartless she can be and how eager she was anticipating for his death!

And den the minute we came back from the funeral, my brother said he wanna go town council and all to change everything to his name!

See? See how eager he was to take over everything that wasn't rightfully his!

I was totally dishearted.

and den they shifted in with me. Claiming that we are family, and that they have the responsibility to look after me.

My mum, everyday would nag at me and told me how heartless my dad was by making a will to guard them. And den she said i better dun be like him, i have to give them each 10,000 and even my brother's future kids and wife 10,000 each. And everyday she would ask me to tell my aunt that i want to sell the flat, den i can faster give her the money.

See? see how much she loves money den me.

My brother, whom appeared to be the one i can trust the most, betrayed me in the end.

He made up stories abt me and told my relatives and i slept with man, i smoke, i turned bad, i became alcoholic, i didnt go for my tests, and all. But in front of me, he said that my relatives asked about me, and he protected me and said good things for me. See? what an actor! He even told them my husband is after my money and things, and my in laws are gamblers and insane kind. I really dunno what can he derive by saying these!

When i got pregnant, and getting married, my mum told hubby's side that if i misbehave, she will sell away my child and the money will go to her. Crazy!

Den on my big day, she dragged me to one side, and said her master said someone cast a spell on me. How can she say that on my big day!

And den as a mother, she gave me nothing. She asked for so much but gave me and hubby nothing. Fine. She took all the ang baos that given by her side. Fine. My brother took all ang baos given by his friends. Fine.

These people give nothing but took everything.

The reason we asked them to move out is because, they dun pay for bills, instead they brought it to my relatives and asked them pay. And den happened that i need to buy new house too, thus have to sell. But we cant let them know we are selling. So sort of like tricking them. I dun feel bad at all seriously. If you let them know, you think i have enough to buy house and all?! So after this, they totally dun contact me and like leave me to rot like that. fine.

After i gave birth, hubby told my brother, but still, they didn't come nor a call. They totally changed their attitude immediately they knew they will get nothing. But hello, since day one, my aunt read out the will, they should know they will have nothing!

And by right in the will my dad said to sell away the house and use that money solely for my studies. But i refused, and plead to lawyer to do something about it. So, in that will, none of their names were mentioned.

After the incident she even asked my cousin to spy on me. My cousin doesn't know what kind of person she is, thus she always told me my mum cares alot bt me. But i knew what she was up to. She need to know everything about me and once she caught any chance, she will make good use of it to get what she want.

So now, i wasn't the one who disown them first.

After like 3 years, we "ended" our relationships like that. And my misery ended like that.

You think so? No. After which, i kena a cb MIL.

When we announced that im pregnant, she came to tell me to abort.

After we decided to get married, she said its not her problem.

For wedding, she done nothing a MIL should do. She didnt even clean the house or buy those necessary things. She even said she dunno how to cook tang yuan. Bullshit.

She gave nothing.

She made up stories abt me and said me and baby not her problem, and said all this 是我自己要的.

Den during confinement, she done nothing too. My aunt hired a nanny for me, and cook for me. But she told that nanny to buy grocery for her, wash for her, buy lottery for her, and even cook for her family. She even eat my food. And my aunt was the one paying everything including ingredients.

She told people that she cook for me and took out 2k for me. Where got?!

I dunno what she said to hubby and made him beat me several times.

I hate her. I hate hubby.

When i finally show colour, den she start to pretend she cares and kept complaining that i dun allow her to see baby. fuck that! you think ppl's daughter can bully for free ah! See? thats what i meant by, when i lose a pillar, ppl start to despise me.

This went one for nearly 2 years.

And now i finally break free!!!

我吃苦吃了正正十二年!

They say a life changes every 10 years. And a fortune teller told me those unpleasant years have passed and from now my life is turning good. I hope so.

Having been thru all these, i have learn to be more humble.

I dare not ask for more nor set a high expectation for others. I no longer go for luxury stuffs or trying to lead a high end lifestyle that isn't meant for me.

All i want is to be happy.

If you know me well, i guess yo should know i am so dying to be happy, and even small lil things can make me happy. I became so easily contented.

And being happy is not enough, i want it to last forever.

I can starve. I can have no make ups and nice clothes, but as long as my husband love me faithfully and my kids grow up to be sensible and kind :)

I dun need my kids to repay me or give me lotsa money. As long as they know i have given alot to this family and i love them so dearly and equally much.

Maybe this is the reason why i am so firm when we came to parenting topics.

Please pay more attention to your lovely child. remember those moments when he/she still kicking in your tummy? Remember how well both of you bonded? Remember the first time ur child smiled at you?

Money and branded stuffs can never helps to bring back those important moments. Clubbing too much wont helps to make your future days more brighter.

Love them and be there for them before you start to regret and realise that they dun love their mother and father that much.

12 years - I have lost many ppl. Good or bad. Even now i became lonesome, in a way, but at least in future i believe my life is more joyful den any others :D

p/s: I really hope this can somehow motivate some of you. At least in realising something before its too late.

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8:52 PM