.Monday, January 26, 2009 Y
Guess everyone must be celebrating this day with their beloved families and friends. Happy New Year :)Me and Jayr? Wasted whole day by doing the same damn things. Hubby's working and im hiding. Lied to them that im bringing Jayr out, cuz i dun wan any of them to appear at the doorstep. To be honest, i really hate to gather with that side of ppl. Im saying the folks. Last night i cried :(Thinking of many things and many things that brought back memories. When i was little, my dad left me with my Nanny, and even cny reunion dinner i had it with my Nanny's family. It is a huge family and there's always full table of dishes. Like even a plate of vege alsso gotta be a huge plate kind. I couldn't remember what i had but all i know is i was very very happy on every year's that day. I felt like i have a home. When i was in upper primary, i started to join dad for reunion dinner, as he was already illed and couldn't work anymore, thus have all time for me. We, just the 2 of us always gotta join in with my other relatives. Thou it was with daddy, but i wasnt happy at all bcuz it wasnt my home and definitely felt awkard somehow. And that only lasted for few years...After my dad deceased, i didnt have reunion dinner. I devoted my time in work, as a full time waitress. Deceived myself that im happy by counting the amount of ang baos i received from members. Well, actually i hid at the stairways and cried my heart out. I missed daddy. I missed family, but where is it? I dun think i have any memory of having with "them". And yesterday i hid in the room again. I told hubby that i missed liang jia, but i dunno where is it... He said so what i have a family, but all doesnt care a shit bt me. Ya, i agreed. However, all i wish is that i have a wonderful family that all of you has. I miss home so badly. But i dunno which home im missing. You know what i mean? I dun have a home to miss!!! As i laid on bed, and thinking that everyone on earth must be having dinner with their families, and i, laying here and cried and noone knows my sorrow... I felt like im an orphan. I felt like i am so lonely. I am really lonesome.I dunno how should i react when i see "them" one day on the street. Like should i call them? Or should i just walk away... You know, he got a house already, meaning he is already married and i dunno bt it! See? what's more to think? I am nothing to them, i am TOTALLY outta their life. And den i am still here thinking bt them sometimes. Since thats the case, den i shall move on... Moving on without them in my mind anymore... can i do it? And usually today, they will be having gathering over at west side. I knew it, but what can i do... Other side, guessed "somebody" must be having a good time of backstabbing me when neither me nor hubby is around to testify. Why not? Since she get to see her beloved sisters, thus will seize the chance to attack me from the back la! She will never learn. Cuz, she just backstabbed us few weeks ago. Think i dunno? Well, play harder den... I will just hate you more. Tomorrow we are going to my dad's side. Im so happy can! I seldom have the chance to see them. And its good to mix around with more normal ppl. hur hur. At least they dun backstab or talk shit. And they're never selfish. Im more happy there den here, obviously. And i must eat all i can cuz i dunno when i will get to eat Per's cuisine again. Hai. The only way i will be happy is when somebody can be outta my life TOTALLY.
Jacky's Wife