♥幸福小女人♥

.Wednesday, April 30, 2008 Y

Finally it has come to the final day of my torturing confinement. phew~
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Im so tired. Emotionally exhausted. But who cares?
I hate everything in my life. Every single soul. Except Jayr. Bb is the only one who motivates me to press on and move on.
I do wish i could be taken away just like this but i cant. Without me, Bb will be more pitiful den now i am. For Jayr's sake, i'll continue to endure....
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I am the one doing everything and have no enough rest at all. Thot im supposed to be the one resting and healing? Think noone really know what sort of pain im going thru and what kind of pain im enduring each day. No comforts. No way im feeling better...
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Slandering me seems to be her new hobby. Whatever~ retribution is just around us, and she will have her share. Making up unreal stories and trying to ruin my rebutation. try harder, MIL.....
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Once i thot loving someone and being loved in return is an amazing thing. However, now i dun feel that anymore. i dun love and not being loved..... I hate. Hate him to core. Hate till i have the urge to kill him.
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Guessed what? that fucking shit woke my son up and dun bother to coax him. instead he is snoring like a fucking pig now. fuck all!!!

如果你也听说...
7:23 PM

.Tuesday, April 29, 2008 Y

I am getting more and more annoyed by that fucking old hag!!!
Sorry for being rude but cant help!

Every morning she would rot on the bed. Rot untill her butt decaying den she willing to get out from it. And den seeing the time is 11pm sharp, she will get out from the room, took a chair and sat at the kitchen. Just sit there and do nothing. She will be sitting front face the nanny who is cooking at the stove area. Den once the cooking is done, she still sit there and wait for the nanny to bring it over to her. And den she still sit there and wait for the nanny to bring her the culteries!!!!!!!!!!!!! what the fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ohwell, she thinks she's really some kind of real tai tai whom is rightfully to order ppl to do things and serve her. Fuck lah!

The most freaking annoying part is that she never go to market at all and never ask the nanny to buy anymore. instead, she eat my things!!!!! my aunt paid for it!!!! cheebye right?
The rice has finished, so the nanny told her to buy. When she's back, she was complaining bt the price and told the nanny not to cook rice anymore. So i understand that the nanny is in difficult position, whether to cook for me or not. fucking more cheebye right???!!!
The gas finished too. And she said why so fast, cuz usually when she's handling, it can last for 3 months but y now only last for a month. freaking fucking big old cheebye right???!!!

She has been selfish and shameless and i never complain a single thing at all. Yet now she's being so calculative!!! And mind her, she's eating my food and using my things, now i only uses her gas and rice, wrong meh???

Very well. Better treat me this way cuz i will have more reason not to greet you and not to allow you to carry baby and never come back once i leave this place!!!! fuck you!!!!

如果你也听说...
12:08 PM

.Monday, April 28, 2008 Y

There is always rainbow after a stormy rain...

Well, guessed its too late. Too late for anything to be done, and impossible to undo them. (unless i've lost my memory...)

If weren't for Jayr's sake, think i might be a cold corspe now......

如果你也听说...
12:40 PM

.Saturday, April 26, 2008 Y

Feeling kinda bored and so decided to play with Jayr and we took pics using the lappy's webcam... lol. "lets cam-whore together, baby!!!" All turned out kinda dark. Bad quality. But sweet morale... hee...

I love my bb boy sooooo much thou he really turns my life upside down now. hai... im still willing to sacrifice... :)

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Bad things happened those past few days. Real bad....

And im badly hurt inside-out..... :(

There was something lead to this arguement. And den he slapped me on my face...

During pregnancy and during my recovery period, wat the hell?!

I dun need someone like this to torture me and humilate me more. I had enough. And thats it. Im gonna earn my own money and den one day i shall see him suffer and left with nothing and noone. NOONE!

He said that he is very tired already, so why must he take care of me and why cant i do it myself. He said eventhough im in pain, he also cant do anything cuz its meant to be like this. He said im crazy and called me "siao cheebye". He knows im having blues and he said i better go to mental hospital. He slapped me and said i asked for it.

Who knows how i feel? Whoever can understand what im going thru now is killing me silently...

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My aunt hired a confinement nanny to look after me this period of time.

U know what???

His mum leave all the housechores to her. Asked her to go market and run the errand for her, cook for her and her family.

She even eat my food! my tonic! my fish! And that are all paid by my aunt!!!

So seems like my aunt is hiring someone to serve her instead. and my aunt is paying these for her and her family ya...

WHAT THE FUCK!!!

As a MIL, she has done nothing at all. Paid for nothing at all. And yet so shameless....

She wanna carry my bb, but no way!!!

Over my dead body~

" i thot initially u asked me to abort den y now trying to snatch?!" Fuck off!

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Tell me how am i supposed to be happy. I cant... and i hate to pretend... I wanna leave him. I wanna leave this place.....

如果你也听说...
7:19 PM

.Friday, April 25, 2008 Y

Many things happened lately. dunno where to start off with.

I have no mood to blog.

I have no time to blog.

I have no new pics to upload.

Sorry peeps. give me some times to cool off my mind first,

Will be back shortly...

Meanwhile, take care~

如果你也听说...
12:36 PM

.Tuesday, April 22, 2008 Y

如果你也听说...
4:59 PM

.Sunday, April 20, 2008 Y

Enjoy~~~

My baby boy never failed to brighten my everyday with his many funny expressions. Sometimes i would find myself smiling or giggle to myself just by looking at him. He can focus on something already. Even know where is the camera. lol. And he would turn to the sound's direction. im so proud of him and MYSELF! hahaha~

Women really amazing and thumbs up!

如果你也听说...
3:38 PM

.Saturday, April 19, 2008 Y

My favourite picture of the day>>>

He is my baby boy. My everything. My xin gan bao bei. *love*

Looking dreamingly at him is my new hobby.

How amazing to see him lying in my arms finally...

I wanna take more pics with him. But wait till i slim down. hee.

Jayr always wan his papa to carry him this way.

The 2 important men in my life. My loves.

Jayr is Mummy's gem.

Bb's sleeping posture like us.

see? i dunno y he sleeps like us lor....

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My darling boy is sleeping now. Waking up soon for his feeding. So i gotta do this real fast lor. U peeps are the first to get to see these ok. i lazy to upload on friendster. so lag... mmm.

Later im going to wash my hair once the auntie left. i dun care lah. whoever can tahan, i salute you.

Baby Jayr is growing fast and healthily everyday, And each day i would have learn new things bt him. Being a mother is not that easy at all. I have to learn new things everyday and learn to cope with many things too. Learning to handle my stress and stay calm everytime. The darnest thing is to sacrifice my sleepness lah! haiz... but cant help right... this is what we have to go thru.

Well, seeing him growing and changing everyday, really makes me think that everything is worth it. Except sometimes i was thinking how to squeeze him back into my tummy. lol!!!

Bb starts to make some noise already. as if trying to tell me something. so sweet. And always smiling to us. He do have his share of unsweet moments. Like, when im changing diaper for him, he peed on me!!! many times lor! and there was even once, he pooed on my hand, just as i was adjusting the diaper underneath his butt. (-_-)

Wonder when will i hear him calling me "mummy!"

如果你也听说...
4:32 PM

.Friday, April 18, 2008 Y

I have too many problems to deal with. To hack care and to wash off my mind. People who has been ignoring me, im sorry, u are getting urself outta my list real soon.

On the day of discharging from hospital, i told Hubby to sms my brother to let them know that i have delivered and was going home already. The reply has got nothing to do with me, never care how was i. Wat a family. All he asked abt was baby's weight and name. Thats all. How pathetic i am. I was waiting for thier call. But to no avail.

The reason i never tell them once baby's out is bcuz i dun wan them to come hospital and argue with me bt the house or over money issue. wat the fuck. they can just hack care everything just to gain wat they wan, u see.

My aunt told me to call my mum and tell her personally. She said mayb she's purposely waiting for me to tell her. I refused. I mean y shld i when it is so obvious that they dun care a teeny weeny shit bt me at all. And y the hell must i call somebody and sort of begging them to come and pity me?! If she really treat me as a daughter or really like wat she pretends, she care, she whld have call me immediately or rush down to see me. Not there pretending dunno and wait for the moment to attack me back. Cuz i know one day she will say she dunno anything cuz i never told her!

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My life's a piece of pathetic shit now. Im not happy here. but there is nowhere else i can go to wipe my tears off. there is noone else whom i can turn to. noone else to hug me and kiss away my pain. noone else.....

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I told my ah ma that i miss my daddy. She said he is a man, so wats if hes still around. My answer is, "with daddy around, at least he wont allow anyone to bully me. wont allow me to suffer all these misery...."

如果你也听说...
1:11 PM

. Y

I couldn't tell you
Why she felt that way
She felt it everyday
I couldn't help her
I just watched her make
The same mistakes again
What's wrong, what's wrong now
Too many, too many problems
Don't know where she belongs Where she belongs

(Chorus)
She wants to go home but nobody's home
That's where she lies broken inside
No place to go, no place to go
To dry her eyes broken inside

Open your eyes (open your eyes)
And look outside Find the reason why (why)
You've been rejected (you've been rejected)
And now you can't find What you left behind
Be strong, be strong now
Too many too many problems
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs

(Repeat Chorus)

Her feeling she hides
Her dream she can't find
She's losing her mind
She's fallen behind
She can't find her place
She's losing her faith
She's fallen from grace
She's all over the place (yeah!)

(Repeat Chorus)

She's lost inside, lost inside (oh, oh uhh)
She's lost inside, lost inside (oh, oh uhh) oooh

如果你也听说...
12:52 PM

.Wednesday, April 16, 2008 Y

It´s over and done,but the heartache lives on inside

and who is the one you´re clinging to,instead of me tonight.

And where are you now, now that I need you,

tears on my pillow, where ever you go go,

I´ll cry me a river that´s leads to your ocean

you´ll never see me fall apart

In the words of a broken heart

it´s just emotions, taking me over,

caught up in a sorrow, lost in the song,

but if you don´t come back,come home to me darling,

don´t you know there´s nobody left in this world to hold me tight,

there´s nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight,goodnight

I´m there, at your side, a part of all the things you are,

but you have a part of someone else, you gotta go find your shinning star.

And where are you now, now that I need you,

tears on my pillow, where ever you go go,

I´ll cry me a river that´s leads to your ocean

you´ll never see me fall apart

*************************************

如果你也听说...
11:39 AM

.Tuesday, April 15, 2008 Y

Things suddenly seems so different to me. Everything has changed. Even the behaviour of someone......
Or is it merely bcuz im having this "blues", thus causing me to have this kinda thoughts?
Im getting more and more depressed. I know this aint going anywhere, if this is going to carry on and on aimlessly. wat am i supposed to do?

you no longer look into my eyes. it suddenly became an impossible to feel ur touch, warmth and kisses everyday. those sweet and soothing words are gone. no comforts, no concern. the moment u opened up ur eyes, you turned to him, not me, and never me. the moment u reached home, u went to him, and never gonna be me. raised ur voice bcuz i asked. gave attitude bcuz im in pain. told me i cant expect anything from u when im in seriously pain. if all things u have done or are still doing, are all just for the sake of doing, den i hereby rather u be frank with me, take off ur masquerade and stop ur pretence. I dun wan ur woeful stories in the end.... gone were the days you loved me tenderly.....

如果你也听说...
4:18 PM

.Monday, April 14, 2008 Y

如果你也听说...
11:15 AM

.Saturday, April 12, 2008 Y

I have finally uploaded many Jayr's photos in my friendster account. phew~!

GO AND SEE NOW!!!!

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Im very tired and everywhere is aching like hell already. I have to rest now.. will blog again soon. Enjoy those pics ya. will take more and upload as and when i free. haa.

Jayr so adorable~~~

如果你也听说...
9:47 PM

.Thursday, April 10, 2008 Y

Im seriously in a bad bad mood.
I dunno why!!!
I have been crying like for almost everyday. Im so lost, u know. i mean i just cant use words to expain to you specifically la.
I dun wan to stay here. I dun wan to do this torturing confinement. I dun wan to eat these yucky food. I dun wan to not being able to BATH!!!
Thats totally ridiculous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hubby took out the bandage thing for me already. And for so many hours already i still dare not stand up and walk to the mirror and take a good look at the scar. I dunno how to accept the fact that i have this ugly scar on me. And i dun wan to rmb a single thing during the time in operation theatre. Everyday these scary images would flash in my mind. It returns to taunt me again and again. I really dare not have a second baby anymore. i never wan to give birth anymore. eventhough Hubby said he still wan more... i told him, i dare not....

I wan to bath. i wan to wash my smelly hair. i wan to get out from here and to somewhere air conditioned.

My boobs are leaking like mad. Dunno wats so nice bt it, but Jayr just loves to drink. eeks!

Doctor says hes growing fast and healthily. So can increase his milk intake. Which i have already done so. otherwise we cant rest!

I have many many many pictures of him. But hubby still haven upload for me. so mayb one fine day u will see all in one shot bah.

I miss my daddy. Does he know that he is an ah gong now?

I WAN TO BATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

如果你也听说...
3:22 PM

.Sunday, April 6, 2008 Y

Hi dear all... we are back home finally... Hospital stay was sickening unless its A ward... lol.
I have many many pics of Jayr, but hubby haven upload to com yet, so have to wait ya.
Jayr is now sleeping soundly, therefore i have the time to blog. and i just woke up from nap too. hee...

On 2nd of April, i went for my last routine check up at kkh. Doctor said baby overdued already therefore needless to wait and ask me to proceed to delivery suite for induction. Waited at normal ward till bt 7pm den sent me down to delivery suite cuz no suite available! Doc came and broke my water bag at around 10pm. Induction drip started only at 10.30pm. From afternoon 3pm till 10.30pm, doc said my cervix only dilated 3cm... so many hours still 3cm... den waited and waited and done the epidural too... not that scary la. after the epidural, i felt so numb and itchy lor. cuz side effect ma. untill bt 4+am, came a senior doc, and i know something wasnt right already. He told me that my cervix is dilating too slow and baby's heartbeat is on risk. Best advice is to go for op immediately. im left with no choice, so i said ok.

The worst terror in my life. The worst pain i have ever felt. The one time i screamed out so loudly. Cuz the dosage given to me wasnt strong enough to numb me totally. after my scream, den they started to double everything. scary right? i dare not give birth again.

The after math is no better as well. cant get out from bed without feeling huge pain and cant lay down painlessly as well. everynight would be a nightmare for me. cuz noone will be by my side. i felt so helpless and cried. think im getting post natal blues.... i find myself feeling very low and depressed.

Hubby put in so much effort. he fed baby. he carried baby. coax baby to sleep. now whenever jayr hear his voice, jayr will respond with a smile or noise. I tried breastfeeding too. jayr is so greedy lo. sucks so eagerly and forcefully. pain leh. but ok la, bearable la. my breast starts to leak already. haha. so swollen too.

now all i wanted to do is BATH!!! but cannot... cant wet my wound for 3 days. i want to wash my hair, but hubby say no too. how can?! and this weather is getting warmer and warmer. the hot hot season is back!

如果你也听说...
6:35 PM

.Tuesday, April 1, 2008 Y

Hey hey~!!!

I wanna give my dearest Hubby a suuuuper wet and slurpy kiss~ muuuuaccksss!!!!!
Hee... I am a happy Mummy of the day~!
Thank you Lau Gong...
I love you lah~!

Hubby brought me to town for shopping. Despite im delivering very soon and my legs swollen like pig trotters. Planned to surprise me and brought me to T&Co. *love* *spinning ard*
Ta-dah~! My precious surprise gift from Hubby... Im so touched...
A heart-shaped tag bracelet... I love it so so so much~! I love heart-shaped! I love bracelet! (Cuz i have none...)
lalalalala~ Pardon me for so many pics of my this very lovely love token. cant help but to admire more...
I actually spent an hour or so thinking which to choose, to bring home with me. And i also dun wan hubby to spend too much thou he said just choose whatever i like... hee... always like this.

I dun intend to wear it so soon, untill i slimmed down. Haa. cuz my fatty hand just ruin it. lol. and i need to match it with sexy clothes! YES!

I pouted. Many of my pics today. Fat me. Pardon me. Just bear with it or leave this site. haa. A happy girl is a pretty girl. So i thought im pretty thats why i took so many pics today!
Trying to smile in a more nicer way. but too bad, the fats on my cheeks ruined it. hmpz!
Im so surprised!!! Ahhhhhhhhhh~!!!!
Flying kisses to non other den my HUBBY~! *wink wink*
I tell you, i seriously love it can! I wanna hug it to sleep can?

Couldn't bear to stop cam-whoring, untill Hubby said, "haa... wat u doing? my silly girl?"

"I wanna show the whole world how much i appreciate ur efforts and how much i love you!!!!!!".... *silly grin*

如果你也听说...
8:49 PM